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First abortion I ever had was when I was 18 years old. I was just about to start university and was only 4 months deep into a relationship with my ex boyfriend, so I didn’t feel it was the right time.
My family have always been a family of early pregnancy and had children young, but I was the first one to say it’s not for me, which kind of made it uncomfortable.
Luckily after many contraceptions I didn’t get pregnant again with my ex, but the contraception did take a negative toll on me. I already suffered with depression and anxiety, and it seemed whatever I had taken made it so much worse.
Six years later I had a new boyfriend, again 4 months into the relationship I fell pregnant. I was scared because even though I had finished uni, got a job and this relationship seemed more stable, I couldn’t help but shake that I am just not ready.
I knew I had more of my own life to explore, so I had my 2nd abortion. It was more painful than the first and I experienced pain and depression I never felt the first time around.
After all that I was still scared to try contraception again because everything made me feel suicidal and not myself, so I decided to use a Flo app and track my ovulation and use condoms.
Sadly after this method of trying it’s 5 months later and I now currently am pregnant.
I’m not sure what went wrong, whether it was a broken condom or what, but it happened. I feel horrible, I feel that I let myself down by letting this happen.
I have moments of shame and guilt, but after reading everyone stories, it’s made me feel so much comfort in it.
I’m just not ready for kids and that is not my fault. Everyone seems to have some kind of explanation to why they don’t want children but sometimes it can just be as simple as you just don’t want to.
We should have this choice. Nothing is our fault and never blame yourselves. Not to crap on men, but are we really going to say if they swapped gender roles and had the responsibility and stereotype thrust upon them that they wouldn’t do the same thing.
No explanation is needed. It’s your choice.