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It was a difficult decision but ultimately the right one for me at the time.
When I was eighteen I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a man whom I’d met through a mutual friend. I’d moved to a new city and, fuelled with my new found independence, I felt so excited to finally have my own flat, my own space to do whatever it was I wanted.
Unbeknown to me I’d stepped into my own prison where I was controlled, belittled, constantly put down and abused by my ex partner.
I’d been quite naive to think that a lot of our arguments were normal and we were just adjusting to living together and that things would get better. And I held onto him as I’d be isolated from my friends and brother who lived in the same city.
This toxic relationship got me into a lot of trouble and I was doing things that I shamefully regret now, but at the time I couldn’t see it as anything but just a bit of fun and I was young so what was the harm ?
Then I got pregnant.
I told my then partner, who looked up at me from some work he was doing on the computer and told me that his work took a few hours but pregnancies are for 9 months, so couldn’t it wait?
I broke down, and after contacting BROOK and confirming my pregnancy, I knew that there was only one way and that was ending the pregnancy.
I was booked in the following day at Marie Stopes and had my first medication abortion. I had four tablets to put in my mouth and they arranged a taxi to take me home where I would pass the pregnancy.
My partner made me a hot water bottle, told me to lie down, and then went out to get drunk with his friends whilst I was left alone to go through that by myself.
it was painful but was over relatively quickly, but the whole experience scarred me. Thankfully I moved out of that flat and went back home to my parents to start my life again.
Fast forward five years and I had my first Son, Albie, when I was in my current relationship, though he was born still at 24 weeks in 2019.
I never thought I’d find happiness again until I got pregnant the following year with my Son Freddie, who is the absolute love of my life.
He is a healthy cheeky one year old now and although me and my partner don’t live together, I manage to pay for his nursery and go back to work. I provide for him as much as possible whilst trying to come to an arrangement where I can pay my parents a bit for keeping us until we find our own place.
Me and my partner were using the withdrawal method, and I follow my period on an App in my phone. I was sure I knew my body, when I was ovulating, and didn’t think I could possibly get pregnant. Although I now know this is quite naive and the failure rate for both of these methods is quite high.
We became pregnant just shortly after Christmas this year again. I love my Son, I love children in general and would love to give him a sibling one day. But I knew in my heart without a proper home for us, my now partner only working part time agency shifts, and it is a struggle as it is to get by — I just couldn’t bring another child into my parents home.
It would have impacted so many people’s lives and I wouldn’t be able to care for whoever it was properly in the way I do with my son.
Also, because my son is still reliant on me and I had to have a cervical stitch and three months of bed rest with my last pregnancy, I just couldn’t mentally go through all that anxiety and stress knowing that I couldn’t look after my son properly. I just don’t have as much support as I did then.
My mum has got a new job and the workload is heavy, and my dad works full time as well. It just wasn’t realistic to think they could help me with Fred and wait on me hand and foot because I couldn’t walk further than to the shower and back, so this is the reason I chose to terminate this current pregnancy again.
The heart ache was worse. I wasn’t a naive 18 year old this time, and I knew the joy and wonder of a new baby, and I yearned for it although I knew it couldn’t happen so soon again.
The hardship of parenthood is huge and costly, and being the sole carer for my son meant trying to juggle two under two and I just couldn’t do it mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically.
I took this holistic thinking and made a wise decision. However this abortion had been long and drawn out. I was less far gone as I was the other time, but I inserted the tablets vaginally and it took a long time to kick in.
The bleeding is still heavy and the emotional toll on both me and my partner has been huge.
We still don’t know how we are going to get through this, as he has realised his views on abortions differ to mine and this has caused us a lot of arguments.
But I come on these sites to see other women in similar situations to mine and it makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I’m not on my own.
Abortions are there for a reason. I’m not going to be stupid and reckless again. I am abstaining until I find a contraception that works for me.
I feel shamed and alone because I don’t feel like I can freely speak about my decision unless the person knows exactly my reasoning for it, and that still wouldn’t be justifiable for some people and that’s ok. It’s my life not theirs, and I don’t live it for anyone else but me and my son.
It’s opened up a lot more opportunities for me now as I plan on going back to education once my son is at school and I can think about what I truly want from life apart from just raising children. Though that does bring me the most joy, I do feel like I have to prioritise myself and give my body a break from three years in a row being pregnant now.
I feel like this has scarred me, but life still continues to go on as normal even though I’m accepting it as a kind of grieving phase. I know I’m strong and I will be ok, and anyone else having to make this tough decision —you will be ok too.
Find where you want to be in life and what you can manage without exhausting yourself and put self care as a priority.
Thank you for letting me share my story.