This story is published in Spanish at Women on Web. This Google Translate version in English has been edited for clarity and length.
I aborted because I couldn't find another way out.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted to die. I already have a daughter but nothing is stable. We do not even have a home.
I have been with my partner for almost five years, but even so I did not feel prepared in any way to bring another baby into the world.
I thought of thousands of ways to abort since pills are expensive in my country and it is illegal. I never told my partner I wanted an abortion because he was very happy with the arrival of another baby, I assumed.
So we bought a mobile for the crib. We were even looking for names. It would be called Amaru.
I went to the doctor. I was about eight weeks along. When the dortors put that transvaginal echo device in, I saw it immediately. It was two babies, two embryos, two mini people, two lives.
The world fell silent again, I didn't know whether to cry at that moment, but I was strong and listened to the doctor.
All I wanted to hear is that there was some complication. But no, it was all very well.
When I left the doctor, my partner called me. I did not know whether to tell him or not since he was at work. I told him at that moment. There was a silence for a few minutes. I was in tears, and he told me that we would talk at home.
At home I gave him the ultrasounds. I looked at them and gave him a kiss. He said that it doesn't matter, but I cried out that I didn't want to have two more children now. We couldn’t. We couldn't give them anything they deserve.
It would mean we would put aside our daughter, and many things like studies and our dreams of a better life together.
If I told you all that, it is because my mother was pregnant with my twin sisters. Now they are just 11 years old, and everything is still so bad economically.
A few days later, my partner came crying, telling me that he thought of something, trying to get his words out of his mouth — abortion.
We cried like never before for the decision we would make, since it would be to get rid of two creatures.
On a Monday I started the treatment. I took pills. There was a lot of blood a lot and a lot of pain. It hurts me to remember that I did not stop throwing large clots. I covered my ears to not hear anything fall.
I was bleeding all week, so on Saturday I had to go to the emergency room. It was terror for me, because in my country it is illegal to have an abortion.
I was afraid that they would discover that I had caused all that. I lied to everyone, including my family. They never found out that I was pregnant, not even my best friend, no one but my partner.
After they scraped my uterus, I felt relieved but guilty. The days go by and it still hurts, perhaps because if I had been in another situation I could have brought them into the world.
I think this was the most difficult decision of my life. I have many mixed feelings.
I write to express this, since I have not told anyone. I am afraid people would judge me for what I did.
After I did it, many things turned out well and I was able to do things that I had waited for years to be able to do. But sometimes it gives me some regret to be happy.
Perhaps many women do not understand my pain, women who have gone through the same thing.
I still have those ultrasounds and crib mobile. I don't know whether to save them or burn them.
~Constanza