This story is published at Women on Web. It has been slightly edited for clarity and length.
Finding myself pregnant when I didn’t want to be started an inner and outer journey.
Before I knew I was pregnant, I told my husband that if I were pregnant that I probably would do an abortion. First he was shocked.
My husband and I did the first test after my period was one week late. It was negative and we both felt really relieved. He informed himself about abortion and told me he could now understand women having abortions.
Because no menstruation did appear, 10 days later we did another test. It was positive this time.
First I felt shocked and trapped. I was laughing and then crying - a lot. But I knew what my decision would be. I had this feeling of trueness deep inside. I was very glad my husband supported me.
In the beginning there were feelings of anger and sadness. I was so disappointed in myself for getting in this situation that I really didn´t want to be in. I allowed these feelings to be.
And then at first slightly, then getting stronger, I had this feeling of righteousness and trueness of my decision to abort.
The thought came up: Abortion may feel good. Abortion doesn't have to be hard. I don't have to suffer. I can make this decision and it may be good. Why should i experience this as sad, bad, cruel, just because others expect me to?
I felt really connected, strong and powerful.
When finally the appointments in the clinic were arranged, I felt so relieved. It was just a big "Yes" in me. Yes, I don't want to be pregnant and give birth to twins this year and now I know when I won’t have to be pregnant any longer.
Taking the mifepristol at home by myself was a good feeling, for it was my decision and I could do the important step by myself, the point of no return and it felt right.
And it felt right to go through the process of causing and having a little birth at the clinic, to do it by myself, not to having it done.
It was touching, how perfectly my body works, how smooth and easy my thinking has been, feeling connected and powerful.
It was a birthday, making me much presents. Coming home to my husband and my two children after the abortion, feeling right and thankful for this experience, for everything going really well - it was great.
It was a “YES".
It was the best decision for me using the medicines. For I had much “doctor-traveling,"caused by a suspected tubal pregnancy. It was just to early to see.
I shortly considered the surgery to be the "quicker" ending of this "chapter" in my life - to be pregnant when I don´t want to be.
I have born two children at home, the second birth even without any pain. I have great trust in my body and so, although it needs much more time, I found the medicines to be a natural, feminine, self-determined way for me to finish this experience, at least the physical part.
I swallowed mifepristone at home, next evening slight bleeding appeared and the cervix was getting wider and softer. I was very impressed about my body recognizing so fast, two days after that, I went to the clinic to get the misoprostol.
I´ve read everything i could about the medicines, their effects and adverse effects, the processes of the abortion and signs of something´s going wrong, and how other women experienced it. So I went there knowing what to expect and trusting it would be good.
And it was. I had no pain at all, no adverse effects. I was present, supporting my body with my mind, moving around, often going to the toilet. I tried to imagine everything is getting wide and soft, letting all go, not disturbing my body in this birthing process.
It was just the same way I did while giving pain-free birth to my child. It was really good going.
Unlike the women who had chosen the surgical abortion got one big room to rest, I got my own room and was able to close my door for I suspected to be there 4 to 6 hours. When i was walking along the corridor, I found the other women to look really harassed after the surgery.
The staff was really supportive and attentive. I felt comfortable and well all the time. After 2 hours both gestational sacs (twins) had been born into my maxi pad. I was curious to see, even touched them. It was fascinating to see what has been created in just a period of five weeks out from one cell.
One hour after taking misoprostol I had strong bleedings for about 5 hours, then the bleeding was just like menstruation. After only 3.5 hours I was on my way home, traveling by train, running to the station not to let the train go without me.
At home, I played with my two kids, got some homework and cleaning done and my children bathed, and cooked a tasty meal. Everything fine, just some menstrual like bleeding.
I´m very thankful my abortion has been such an impressive and harmonious experience with my feeling of trueness.
Having an abortion in Germany is not really legal, but you can get it without being sentenced or punished under certain circumstances.
In fact, every woman who wants to have an abortion can do this safely and without consequences. I´m very thankful for that. And also for my husband and three good friends of mine who have given me support.
~Rike