This story was shared via Shout Your Abortion.
I terminated a pregnancy at 16 weeks. It was the hardest decision of my life.
It was my first pregnancy and I was madly in love with her father. We’d named her and he’d built her a crib.
But our relationship moved fast and he had not disclosed to me the extent of his mental health challenges.
He had a psychotic break when I was 12 weeks and we spent an extremely dark month in couples therapy while he resisted treatment. I begged him to accept help, and learned from his family about his history.
My own childhood was made very unsafe by parents whose personal challenges required their full attention.
As much as I wanted that baby and the life I’d dreamed of with that man, there was no way I could risk repeating any elements of what I survived as a child.
I communed with myself and with her and requested that a handful of close friends support me through the procedure. The facility was wonderful but I did require follow-up care for hemorrhaging.
A decade later I still grieve her, but I’ve never regretted the decision.
To me, it was a very brave example of me choosing long-term freedom over long-term suffering, my protection over my self-sacrifice, and new possibilities over the repetition of old patterns.
It forced me to grapple with the complex reality that for me, in this case, the fetus was a child. I had already felt a relationship with her. And I chose to have an abortion anyway.
Many well-meaning friends try to point out that my Catholic upbringing is likely still influencing how I frame this experience. And maybe that is true to some extent.
But regardless of the reasons, in my psyche and heart, there’s just no way of speaking honestly about this experience without acknowledging yes, I believe I ended a life.
Yes, I believe that was the most generous and responsible choice that I could make under those circumstances.
Yes, I am devastated by what I lost.
Yes, I am grateful every day for this life of freedom and agency that I gained.
Click here to listen to this podcast and hear an OB/GYN explain the misunderstandings and cruel stereotypes of later abortions. Learn why gestational bans and exceptions to abortion care are cruel and unusual punishment.