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I know my abortions were the right decision for me and my life. I know yours were the right ones for you too.
That doesn’t always soften the pain, grief, the what ifs, the loss, or the isolation of carrying the weight of these experiences that are a reality for so many.
I’ve experienced two abortions.
My first pregnancy I was 28. It was a week after a final split with my ex after a long and tumultuous breakup that was incredibly painful for both of us. Our relationship was fiery and short lived though deeply impactful. It brought up a lot of unhealed wounds.
The day I found out I was pregnant my precious family dog of 15 years was passing over and I had a flight back to my home town in Rhode Island.
There was no real question in my mind. I was devastated. Although it was in many ways a clear choice, in a lot of ways it didn’t feel like a choice at all. I was struggling immensely in so many ways.
The process was incredibly spiritual and ceremonious for me. I took the pills and it was excruciatingly painful.
I entered a threshold of grief unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it took a long time to recover.
At 30 I felt I had found the perfect relationship though a lot of patterns surfaced quickly. Things moved fast. I found out I was pregnant about six months into the relationship.
This time I was so much more conflicted. I had a lot of dreams and fantasies about starting a family with this man. A huge part of me wanted the pregnancy. He didn’t want it and that was so heartbreaking for me.
To cope with the grief I blamed him at moments throughout the process. I have so much remorse for that now and I wish I could’ve emoted the depth of the grief with more truth and purity. I knew I couldn’t endure the pills again. It was wildly traumatic.
The surgical abortion was much less painful but also frightening and difficult for me in its own unique ways. I also have experienced a level of disassociation in the aftermath. I didn’t handle my emotions well and it was a very dark time personally and relationally so I have buried a lot of the grief I’m still unraveling.
I’m so grateful for the sovereignty to make these choices to start a family at the right time with the right foundation.
A lot of heartbreak often comes along with this and I feel so deeply for everyone who is struggling with their own journey.
I wish there were more compassion for our humanity, the necessity for safe accessible healthcare, the need for compassion and support and communal ritual holding of these losses and initiations.
I know these experiences are making me a better person and will make me a better mother one day.
We all walk our own unique journey and for those of us who dream and long to raise children, the time will come.
Abortion is an incredibly difficult and loving choice. I wish I didn’t feel so alone in carrying this but reading others stories has been a lifeline to me and I want to share my words in hopes they might touch someone who needs it.
