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I had my first abortion at age 28, the second at 31, and now a third at 34. The first was very difficult to process emtionally, because i internalised the shame and guilt that came with it. I knew this individual, who was married at the time was making sexual advances at me but i felt i was in control and would not allow the line to be crossed. He lured me in with a promise to invest in my food and drinks start up business, and a meeting in a private space turned into coarsion. A month later i found out i was pregregant and it felt like a very bad dream. I felt i let myself down and could not bring myself to share it with anyone. I wished i didnt have to face the decision; he had made me aware that he did not want me to keep the pregnancy and i was not prepared to raise a child alone.
i had a lot of grief and worked on processing it overtime- the sadness lingered as time progressed but i learnt to extend some compassion to myself because even though i played a role in it, i could not blame myself for everything.
My second pregrenancy happened unexpected- my boyfriend at the time was so sure i had nothing to worry about. When i found out about the pregnancy i was prepared to take the plunge and start a family with him even though our relationship was not perfect and financially speaking there was no certainty that we could afford give the child the life i would have wanted for my children.
When i shared the news he had mixed emotions- i had to take some time off work to attend hospital appointments and want some commitment and conversation to be had between us about planning our future together and for emotional support and assurance but he stopped picking my calls or responding to text messages. I knew then that i could not proceed as it meant i would have to do it alone or potentially co-parent in the future. I felt i could not rely on him and that he did not want to be a part of the decision neither could he be there for me at such a pivotal time.
As time went on he begged for forgiveness- the truth is i could not bring myself to blame him. I felt he had his own issues but i knew certainly that i could not be with him. We stayed friends and over time he began advocating for us to get together and work through our differences. I was open to the idea of starting over and getting to know each other again by spending time.
My third pregnancy is my biggest shock. My ex and I continued spending time and i held out on intimacy and the one time i thought i would be not so strict, i got pregnant again even without actual penetration. I felt, devastated, defeated and numb. I could feel my body feeling unsafe- how did i find myself here again even after the last experience i had and how careful i have been when it came to intimacy of any kind.
I have always imagined my pregnancy experiences to be positive and exiciting because i love children. I see videos and have attended pregancy announcement celebrations with friends and family and i feel mine will always begin the way i have experienced it so far. For this reason i have grief and sadness. The younget version of myself would not have imagined she would find herself making these difficult decisions. I also take comfort in the freedom to define my path and decide who to procreate with or how that happens. I am working on self forgiveness for not knowing any better and for taking uncalculated risks.
