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I have had six abortions.
Right after college, I became pregnant while on birth control, and I had an abortion as soon as I found out. My relationship carried on and ended a year later.
At this time I had developed severe alcoholism that I kept very private, and I had also been prescribed large amounts of Adderall and Xanax.
I moved to NYC for a job with a public figure I had looked up to for years, and began dating an abusive man around this time. He was possessive and supported my addictions, and often he would have sex with me against my will and in humiliating ways.
My boss also sexually abused me.
I became pregnant four times while I was with my ex, on birth control two of the four times. He enjoyed knowing I was pregnant and felt that this made me in some way more his.
Things would always fall apart, and I felt extremely desperate and ashamed every time it happened. I would then go into denial.
Finally, after my fifth abortion, I deliberately overdosed, and was resuscitated. Fortunately, I entered inpatient treatment at this point, where I received amazing support for months, and learned how to patch my life back together. I also started taking a mild antidepressant.
Four years have passed since then, and I remain sober to date.
I have never seen or spoken to my ex since I became sober, and each day that goes by, his memory has less and less power over my emotions.
I am engaged and plan to marry in a few months, and today I am with a man that I love dearly, and who shows me true love and support.
I became pregnant once more while with him, while on birth control, and I decided that I would not let that event be my undoing. I did my very best to address it quickly, and instead of going into denial, I shared the experience with a therapist and friend, and mourned the loss.
That was about three years ago, and today I am very careful with sex. I use two forms of protection, and have less sex in general, which I don't mind at all.
Occasionally, I feel a creeping sense of worry and doom when I consider the idea that certain people think there is a spot waiting for me in hell.
But then I remember that enduring those hardships was in itself truly hellish, and I try to remember that I too deserve to move on, and experience happiness and peace.
I am a few semesters away from completing a degree in counseling, and I plan to become a licensed therapist in my state. My hope is to inspire others to address and move through their own traumas, and to find the grace that is within each and every one of us.
It is true that the world is filled with seemingly endless suffering and pain, but I know that these qualities do not define me or my soul.
I choose to embrace life, and I do it for myself as well as others. Connection is everything, and I am so glad a place like this exists where we can share our stories, and heal together.
A note from us: Accidental pregnancies and abortions are very common. Some people are more fertile than others. Often, contraceptives fail. People who get pregnant accidentally and have abortions deserve only love, respect, empathy and support. Click here to read about the challenges of trying to prevent pregnancies for a lifetime of fertility.