This story and the many comments that follow it are published at Reddit.
I’ve had 3 medical abortions over the last 3 years and I feel like I am drowning in shame and can’t talk to anyone about it.
All 3 were very early on (4 weeks or so), and simply because my husband and I don’t want children. He has an appointment for a vasectomy, which took forever to get with current waits.
We were being careful, but clearly not careful enough.
I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay to not want kids, but having had 3 abortions I feel like an absolute failure of a human. I feel so incredibly ashamed and I don’t know if any of this is forgivable because I don’t have anyone I can talk to except my husband. And he’s great but obviously biased and can’t understand how this feels for me, my mind and my body. I just really want to feel at least a little less alone.
Edit: I cannot thank you kind people enough for all your words of support. It is amazing to hear your stories and know I’m not alone. For those going through their own pain, I hope you feel a little less alone and know I’m right there with you. You (we) deserve to live the lives we choose for ourselves and not feel shame for it.
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I had a second a few days ago. I can relate to the guilt. I can’t take hormones at all and the copper IUD is not an option for me so I relied on Natural Cycles, condoms and Phexxi. Honestly, I’m mostly angry that BC options suck in 2023 and that my body won’t let me use what’s available (and effective) without threatening to kill me.
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This entire thread was very comforting. I have had 2 abortions and have been beating myself up over being a bad person, not sure if I made the tight deciscion, and overall guilt. Its a warm embrace to see others in similar shoes doing the best they can.
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Answering anonymously for obvious reasons. Yes, I have had an abortion. And I don’t regret it. When I was 16, I got pregnant with my first boyfriend’s baby. The kicker was we weren’t being stupid and having unprotected sex. I was on birth control, and we used condoms. Somehow, I just managed to be the lucky .01% who still got pregnant, despite two forms of protection. What made this whole experience worse for me was that my boyfriend and I had been on the verge of breaking up, so when I showed him the positive tests, he understandably did not believe me. He still didn’t believe me, however, when we went to the doctors together and came back with a positive blood test. It was only until he was with me in person for an ultrasound did he agree to pay for an abortion (he had a job and I didn’t). The experience itself wasn’t a horrible one. I didn’t feel any pain, and surprisingly I was not all that emotional about it. I knew I was making the right decision, as I could not emotionally or financially support a child. I support abortion completely, and I stand by the decision I made.
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I get it, I'm going through my second one and it feels like I'm the worst human being on earth. However I wouldn't do it differently. I'm glad I had the right to choose and I would do it again if it was necessary. I'm not ready to bring children into this world. Having children would change our life dramatically and it's OK if we don't want to do it.
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I’m about to have my second, and I really empathize with you. I feel very ashamed and foolish. I’m going to learn from it and get an iud. I have pcos and am 40 so I really didn’t think this was going to happen but we made a mistake one time and that’s all it takes. I already have one child, so it’s not a matter of not wanting children. Terminating is the financially responsible decision for me. After my first one (6 years ago) I felt relief. I’m hoping that’s what I’ll feel after this. I do have the added guilt that I’m denying my son a sibling. I’m in the seventh week and have it scheduled for next Monday. I hope that you and I both can get over these feelings of shame and guilt❤️
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I'm under 23 and I've had two abortions within a year of each other. One at 4 weeks and one at 8 weeks. It's okay to chose what's best for you and what you want. It's okay to be "selfish" with your body. Im glad you stuck to your gut and made the best decision for you. If for some random reason in the future you want to have a kid that's okay too and if you never want one still that's perfectly fine as well. You are not a failure of a human because the beauty of being human is understanding we have options and choices because we are smart and developed animals with the technology to choose. You're doing great! I would encourage taking to a therapist or finding a support group that can help you understand these feelings. Grief is normal sadly in this very political society about personal decisions regarding abortion.
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If cis/het men could get pregnant, abortion would not have any stigma. It would be as normalized as going to the dentist. I’m sorry that it has been stigmatized as a tool for controlling women, and that you are suffering because of that. You’re not alone. Your needs are important, and your feelings are valid.
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I understand how you completely feel I have had 3 abortions in 1 year and a half 2020-2021. Two medical asleep and the pill at home. My husband and I were not financially stable among the other things we wanted to accomplish. Besides we have two kids 15 & 8 years old. After that my last abortion best believe my husband went and got a vasectomy. Is been almost 2 years since the vasectomy and we are fine.
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Don’t be ashamed! It happens. I’m 23 I’ve had 3 abortions, 2 in the space of a year! And I have 1 child, the service is there to be used! You’re brilliant ❤️
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I have 2 kids. My youngest is 8 and I had 3 abortions from November 2022 to November 2023. I just didn't want any more kids it would have been an almost 9 year age gap. Don't ever feel guilty for doing what's right for you honestly x
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You have nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve to decide when, or whether, to have children. A very dear friend of mine had 3 abortions before medical abortions were available. Don’t let anyone shame you, and definitely do not shame yourself. Sending love and hugs.
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I’m sorry you feel this way and there is no shame! My husband had a vasectomy in July of last year as we didn’t want any more kids. We only have one which is my son from a previous relationship.
I will say this however. He had his vasectomy in July and he got the green light after his semen test in September. Everything was fine until recently. I just found out I am pregnant on Friday and immediately got online to order a MA through just the pill. I am getting my prescription on Wednesday and plan to take it this weekend as I have a 3 day weekend due to MLK. I do feel a little sad but at the same time too, we do not want another kid. We raise my son together and he is an amazing child but we are both at the prime of our careers and want to travel and take him to travel with us. We are also in a position where we can retire early and another baby at this time isn’t going to allow us to follow those dreams.
Not to mention I am one of the small percentage of women who had preeclampsia during my pregnancy but my high blood pressure remained after having my son 10 years ago. I am in okay enough shape that I shouldn’t still have high blood pressure but I do and is being managed and controlled by medication. Another pregnancy at this point would make me very high risk and that is not something I want to go through or risk my health for and neither does my husband and that has been his biggest concern is my own health and now being in my mid 30s the fact that I would be considered high risk. I just don’t want to risk my own health and the fact that I most likely would be put on bed rest. I just also started my dream job in October last year which I do not want to risk complicating with a very high risk pregnancy.
You have to do what is right for you. It is your choice and yes it’s very hard sometimes and I am struggling with it a bit mentally as well but I also have to keep the bigger picture in mind which is mostly my own health and well being as I want to ensure that I am here for as long as I can be for both my son and my husband.
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To many people, it’s not a big deal at all. Sorry you feel that way.
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No shame! I'm going on my 2nd. I had my first child 8 years ago and didn't get pregnant again till last year! I did not want a child 8 years apart, idk if it happened earlier I might have kept it. Now it happened a year later again and I am so sick. It wasn't like this with my first but the 2nd time I was sick and this time I am even sicker. Like 90% of the day EVERY DAY. I was raised in a religious home so do feel shame but anytime I even bring up another kid my child is against it because of how far apart in age they would be. My husband is very supportive of what I want and knows this is the best way for us. Especially with our current financial situation.
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I have had two after miscarrying twins. It broke me. I didn't want to but the situation for us isn't right yet. We're now open ended and just waiting to see what the future holds when we're in a better, happier place. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's just hard that it's not something we can openly speak about, but you're certainly not alone x
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No shame, sis! As the old saying goes: "Ish happens". I'm so happy that you got the care you needed!
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I have had 3 total myself. One when I was 22 (it was an SA). Two MAs one in 2021 and one the end off 2022. I know exactly how you’re feeling. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I had carried them to full term I would have been mentally not okay. I have 1 child already and that’s all I want. You did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. We did what as best for us both at the time. You are not alone, no then and not now.
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Plenty of people have had multiple abortions and there’s nothing to feel shameful about. You are making the choice whether you add another human being to the world and your decisions and choices are valid. I am grateful that I had the choice what my body goes through. I don’t feel supported by some of the people in my life that know, but me and my partner are on the same page. I feel at peace knowing we made the right decision for our family. I hope you are able to feel supported in your decisions because it’s your body.
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This is not shameful. You're ok and taking care of your health and family planning is important
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I’ve also had 3… there is no failure here my love.. u made 3 hard decisions each time. However, failure would be to have a kid u don’t want. You will feel better.. just remember shit happens don’t be too hard on yourself 💕
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I have had 3 too! You are not a failure. You have made some very considerate choices for yourself and that is something to be incredibly proud of. Shame is felt because of all the stigma surrounding abortion, you have not done something worthy of shame and if anyone makes you feel that way, they are wrong lol
Sending lots of support to you!
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You have done nothing wrong my dear. I have had two abortions, one after my first child was born and another after my third child was born. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, you are priority over everything. Sending you some BIG HUGS!!!
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Abortion is a completely valid method of birth control. There's a lot of shame around them in our society, especially due to anti-choice propaganda, but there are many of us who believe it is fine to have as many as you need. You are not a failure at all; you made the choice that is best for your life and got the medical care you needed to stay on the path toward that choice.
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The moderator has to warn a troll:
You have now been aggressive in unsupportive ways that are misinformed and will not be tolerated here. Abortion literally controls whether someone gives birth, and in the truest sense of the word is literally birth control. You can not like it for yourself, but you cannot perpetuate stigma here. Abortion is not traumatizing for all who use it and it’s safe. To say otherwise is misinformation. This is a warning. You will be banned if you continue to debate this here.
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The moderator locks the thread:
This thread has been locked today as a few unsupportive people have decided to hijack a support sub to personally air their views about when abortion is an acceptable option. Reminder, this subreddit will not tolerate misinformation. More than one abortion is still as safe as one abortion. More than one abortion is valid. To imply otherwise is perpetuating stigma and unsupportive and will not be tolerated here. This is a warning to those who feel otherwise. Your personal feelings about the correct number of abortions will not be tolerated here.
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I have had 3 as well. It’s actually way more common than you’d think to have multiple abortions. I know how you feel and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. All we can do is be more careful and take the steps to make sure it doesn’t keep happening. My boyfriend it’s getting a vasectomy as well. I wish I had been more careful but I know I made the right decision. You aren’t alone
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You’re not a failure. I’ve had two as well. Early on. I don’t want kids either. Did everything right. Some people are just super fertile and especially after a termination. It takes a while for all the hormones to level out. Be nice to yourself. ❤️
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Plenty of women get multiple abortions! You are not a failure.
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Nothing about this makes you a failure! The right number of abortions is the number of abortions you need to not be pregnant when you don’t want to be. I’m glad your partner is taking steps to prevent putting you in this position again. We are here for you. You are absolutely not alone. Here’s a website with similar stories that you might find helpful in feeling less isolated: https://www.2plusabortions.com/
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Hello friend! I’m just here to say you are not alone. I got my procedure done April 2022 and let me just say that to this very day, it’s so hard. It wasn’t something I wanted. Our method of BC just didn’t work. It’s been a very emotionally and mentally draining journey to say the least. Some days I feel like complete crap because of what I did. I cry and somewhat feel depressed to be honest with you. I don’t have any one else to talk to about this except my partner and we talk about it just not often because I hate bringing it up. Recently have been feeling very alone because I’m ashamed of what I did as well. I recently just got bad to Reddit to this exact subreddit and realized I’m not alone 🥺
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