"I was in a very destructive situation and did not need to bring a child in to the mess that was my life."

This story appears at Reddit.

I’ve never told anyone. Not ever. It’s been around 18 or 20 years now and for some reason I need to tell it.

I had an abortion. I was in a bad situation of my own doing and had an unplanned pregnancy. I drove myself to the clinic. I saw as I walked in there was someone there I knew. I was 2.5 hours away from home and wasn’t expecting that. I frantically called around and got an appointment at another place the same day.

I checked in and gave them a fake name. They didn’t question me or ask for ID. Because I drove myself I couldn’t have any anesthesia or anything. Someone in the waiting room figured out I was going in cold and gave me a Valium. I took it. I’m far from a user of medication.

I had the ultrasound. I was almost 8 weeks. The doctor was disgusting and commented on my shaved p****.

I felt every bit of it, the dilating and the vacuum extraction. It was awful. The doctor was so rude. He seemed almost sadistic, saying this is what happens when you play around. I don’t remember a nurse being present at all.

About the time I went to recovery the Valium kicked in a little and I got sleepy. I think I sat in that recliner for about two hours. Then I drove myself home, still a little loopy, and told everyone I had been shopping. Over the next couple of weeks my hormones and emotions were crazy. It was hard. I never told a soul.

About 6 months later it happened again - another failure. This time the pill had been legalized and I chose that method. I went quickly because it has to be early. If I remember correctly I took one dose in the office and 1-2 follow ups at home. They told me I absolutely had to come back for a follow up visit or they would call and harass me until I did. Of course I had given them a fake name and number so if they called I never knew. I did not go back for the follow up.

With the pill I had cramping like a heavy period and then i’m pretty sure I know when the sac passed. It was rounded, but concave, an odd shade of purple/red/gray. Then it was over. My hormones and emotions didn’t go crazy this time.

I buried all this deeply, very, very deeply. About 7 or 8 years ago I did cry one day, out of the blue, but that’s it. If I let myself think about the doctor and he comments, the way he touched me and treated me, my heart gets heavy and I have a hard time breathing. I try not to think about it.

So that’s my story. I had two abortions completely alone and I made it. I did it to protect the innocent people who would have been hurt by my decisions. And to protect myself, too. I was in a very destructive situation and did not need to bring a child in to the mess that was my life.

I’ll never forget the pain of the traditional abortion. It was really tough. Or the disgusting doctor and his comments and the way he touched me. But what recourse did I have? Nobody knew I was there, terminating a secret pregnancy under a fake name. So I swallowed it all.

I wanted to tell someone. So, internet world, I am telling you.

Me, a lifelong Christian, living in ultra conservative, small town USA, surrounded by people who think abortions are the work of the devil, had two and never told a soul. I didn’t take time off work and carried on.

"I felt stupid and wretched for having a second abortion, but I never once felt judged by the nurses who treated me."

"I miss them. In a nutshell, that's it. I miss them like crazy."