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I am crying my eyes out as I even write this. Four days ago I had to have my second abortion. I am just 18. I really did not want to do this, but had almost no choice.
I first fell pregnant at 17 to my boyfriend who I had been with for 2 months, which now to think of I can see how naive I was.
He was 32 at the time and wanted nothing more than to have a family with me and he made me believe it was what I wanted, too.
When my mom found out she was furious, said that when I turned 18 she would kick me out of the home and I’d have to move in with my boyfriend and she’d want nothing to do with me or the baby.
As I was so young and I hadn’t experienced going out drinking and having fun, I finally came to the conclusion I wanted an abortion at 7 weeks and 2 days. I felt really sad for a while. When I turned 18 ,every single night out I had ended up with me in tears drunk crying my eyes out about how much I wanted a baby and the guilt I felt.
As time went on I got past this and learned to not regret my decision and feel happy with the choice I made, as at the time I was still a child and it just didn’t feel like the right timing.
Fast forward to July 2021. I find out I am pregnant again, to same man who was my boyfriend. I was happy this time, even though only a few months had passed I felt so happy.
Eventually I had to tell my mom and she was livid. She bagged all of my belongings into bin bags and told me to leave. I did this and moved in with my boyfriend.
I was sad as my mom meant everything to me, but I was happy that I would have my baby in my life. I felt so happy and proud to be pregnant, even though throughout my time with my boyfriend I did have doubts about my relationship with him.
He would do things regularly to upset me and there was things that would get on my nerves that he’d do, but I just accepted that I was pregnant and this would be the man I’d be with whether I’m certain about him or not.
We had already planned names for our baby and at 8 weeks and 1 day we went to a private early scan and it just felt magical. A week later, my life turned upside down.
He has a dog that he has had for 2/3 years. This dog is unfit to be around children. He’s admitted that and it was always the plan if I fell pregnant the dog would be re-homed.
Something suddenly changed in him. When I posed the question about the dog he lost it. He said how dare I say that about the dog (even though he swore on my life before I got pregnant that the dog would go) and he said he wants the dog over me and the baby.
He bagged up all of my things and chucked them in his back garden for me to take elsewhere. I was heartbroken.
I wanted to keep my baby so badly, but with this now happening, I had nowhere to live, my mom would not take me in whilst I’m pregnant, I have no other family who would take me in either as they all disagree with me being pregnant so young.
I had no opportunity other than if I kept my baby I would be homeless. Even if I somehow got emergency housing, where would I stay in the mean time? How am I getting to hospital appointments and back? I cannot drive, how will my child get to school if I didn’t live near one?
I worked part time, I wasn’t financially stable. I had also just been offered a new job that could really kickstart a good career for me.
Despite this I really wanted to keep this baby though, but at 9 weeks and 5 days I made the most heartbreaking decision to have my second abortion.
I have cried every day since. I feel empty and lost. I feel so much guilt that I have done this. I want nothing more than my own child and I have killed them, I am crying as I write this. I am a horrible person for doing this is what I keep thinking.
I want my own child so badly, the sadness and guilt is controlling my life. I keep trying to think about all the reasons why I did it and where would I be now if I was still pregnant. Yes, I would have my baby, but I’d be alone and nowhere to live, but it’s eating me alive what I have done. My poor baby.
My biggest worry is that I won’t get pregnant again in the future. I need to get pregnant again. Having my own children is all I crave in this life, just in much better circumstances.
I had my reasons, and I need to keep reminding myself of those, as right now I just feel numb. I cry most of my day away and I have no one to talk to about it as my family are happy that I have had the abortion and have let me move back in.
I never would have got myself pregnant again if I believed I would have to have another abortion. Things weren’t meant to turn out this way.
I just pray one day I will have my own children with the love of my life and these abortions won’t have effected my fertility or cause any complications in future pregnancies. (Editor’s note: Abortions do not harm fertility. Read more.)
I just want anyone in a situation like me to know that you are not alone. I love you. May we all get pregnant again when the timing is right, only if that is what you want in this world!