"At first I was excited about becoming a mother but later realized I cannot afford to take care of a baby at that time as both of us were not working and that would mean burdening my mother."

I have had 3 illegal abortions in Zimbabwe in a country where it is regarded as a crime and murder. Growing up and raised by my mother I never wanted to disappoint her as she looked up to me for the best.

I had my first abortion in 2018 and I was 27, jobless and financially unstable. I had started dating my then boyfriend in May, and in July I missed my period. At first I was excited about becoming a mother but later realized I cannot afford to take care of a baby at that time as both of us were not working and that would mean burdening my mother. I brought up the abortion issue and he agreed. It was done at home and I was induced by a nurse who is a friend, but it did not work.

Two weeks later I was still pregnant and I tried every means possible to terminate it, but it did not work out. Just when I had accepted the pregnancy and to keep it though fearing harm that could have happened to the unborn foetus, one night as I was sleeping in October I bled, and that was how the pregnancy ended.

My boyfriend was there and he was very supportive, but I resented him leading to our break up because at one point he told me I killed his child.

In April 2019 I fell pregnant, but I was on the pill and it came as a surprise largely because I was being safe from the first pregnancy up to that time. I was so scared of falling pregnant again since the first abortion took a toll on me and it took time for me to recover from bitterness and to forgive myself.

For the second pregnancy I did not know who the father was as I had slept with 2 guys at the same time and the other one was married who had accepted, and the single one who was my long time boyfriend was doubting if it was his, and that's how I ended it. For this one I did not go through any difficult emotional journey and it was just easy.

I then continued dating and sleeping with the married guy and we agreed on having a baby and I fell pregnant in July of 2019. I was so excited and prepared myself mentally, but when I broke the news to my mum I was left with no option as she had told me I was a great disappointment to her and she had disowned me.

At that time she did not want anything to do with me because she was saying by falling pregnant for a married man that means she has failed as a parent, and having been raised in a Christian family and her being a church leader made it worse.

We were faced with a difficult time in our lives and had to abort. It was not painful as it was a surgical procedure and when I woke up in the doctor's room it was like I was having a period. I had sought help from some lady pastors who had encouraged me to keep it, but my mother's words tortured me. The only thing I ever wanted is to see my mother happy.

I am going through the emotional journey each day and I hope to recover completely from all this. I asked God to forgive me and hope to have kids in the future.

Thank you so much for listening to my story. This page has given me so much relief and at least I can relate to some stories, especially coming from a Christian background where abortion is regarded as the greatest sin that can hinder and close all doors for a person.

~ Anonymous