I had an abortion for a twin pregnancy and want to share my story both to help me process and because I found the few stories similar to mine so comforting.
I am in my mid-30s and have a 2.5 year old with my husband. We have a stable life in a very expensive city and, despite the high cost of living, knew we wanted another child. I love being a mom and my child is my world.
We got pregnant on the first month trying, but I soon began to spot. Before my first baby, I suffered two miscarriages, so I'm quite wary and went in to have my blood work done to see if things were progressing normally. My HcG levels were higher than the range but my doctor said everything was normal and good.
I continued spotting, however, so my husband and I went in for a scan at 6 weeks. There were two in there.
I have never, ever wanted twins or fantasized about twins - the concept has singularly terrified me. The moment the doctor told us, my heart dropped and I began to say "no, no, no" repeatedly.
The doctor had to leave the room to give us time to collect ourselves. My husband and I were in shock. We spent the rest of the day grappling with what to do.
We'd have to move. We'd have to leave our community, potentially move in with my family. I'd have to take a leave from my job, which I love. Our toddler's first year took a toll on our marriage - how would we handle the sleep deprivation and financial stress of two? And how would this all impact my son? What would this mean for the life I want to give him?
Abortion was on the table for us but it felt so fucked up. I talked to my family and friends, and wept and wept.
I am so incredibly pro-choice and have been donating to abortion funds for years, but when it came to making that choice, I found it so difficult.
I had such a strong voice in my head that it's wrong to make these decisions about my body and my future. For some reason, women should just accept whatever reproductive fate we're randomly handed?
It was hard because we -could- do it - we -could- move and be unhappy for years and struggle financially. Choosing not to - choosing to assert my own wisdom over how I wanted my family to look and how I wanted my life to be - was so difficult but also empowering.
After a day or two, we knew what we planned to do. My insurance wouldn’t cover an elective abortion so I had to make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. What a blessing that was.
The care providers and doctors and nurses there were incredible and I felt surprisingly good afterwards. They were affirming, nonjudgmental, caring, supportive. I can’t say enough about what a positive experience they created, especially when I was so nervous and it was so heavy emotionally.
I don’t have regrets about ending a twin pregnancy. I did not want to gestate twins and I did not want to raise twins.
Affording two children in this economically precarious time is intimidating enough. I read somewhere that I could think of this as an unwanted pregnancy, with the unfortunate reality of being combined with a very wanted one.
One of the biggest struggles is with how taboo this decision was and that I feel like I can’t tell many people what we went through because they will judge me.
I wonder how many other people would make this same decision though, and how many already have.
I got an abortion even though I want another baby because I am planning to be a mother to one more baby, and that's my choice. I am allowed to make reproductive and financial decisions about my life.