This story was submitted to us. It also is appears in the “Our Stories” section with the headline: “I regret not having that abortion.”
I was pregnant when I was 18/19 years old. My boyfriend at the time wanted me to get an abortion, and my mom told me it would be a wise decision to get an abortion, but I believed that abortion was wrong.
I was and still am a Christian, and we all know what most Christians think when it comes to abortion, and my mindset believed what my religion told me to believe.
There was a week where I listened and agreed with my mom, and my mom went as far as making an appointment for me and taking me to the clinic. I was crying and shaking uncountably when I arrived at the clinic, and I couldn't do it, I couldn't even get out of the car. My mom was furious with me! She screamed at me to go in and telling me that I was destroying my life. My response was that I was not going to destroy the life that I had in me.
Seven months later and I had a baby in my arms. On the outside I was a fabulous young mother who was making wise decisions, but on the inside I was an emotional wreck who could not understand what I allowed myself to get into. My parents took care of my daughter most of time, and on occasions some Church ladies took care of my daughter so that my parents could get a break, but to me I felt like I was punishing them.
The father in all of this was a 25 year U.S. Marine who wanted nothing of us. I would find out later that he already had two children with two different women. Lawyers were involved and courts were involved and child support arrived on occasion (and still does), but what a F'n mess it was (and still is).
I will never tell a soul what I am about to say now, but I regretted having her for those first three years. I can't tell you how many hundreds of times I wished I walked into that clinic that day. I regret forcing my parents to take control of an accident that was all my fault. I regret forcing myself to change every single part about me to take care of that accident. I regret destroying my young adult life. I regret not having that abortion.
But motherhood also made me stronger and wiser and made me grow up extremely fast! Those first three years were seriously insane, but I still loved her and took care of her and watched over her, and I became a good strong mother because of her.
I know my story is depressing but let me add some good. I went to community college, got a degree is exercise science, and I became a fitness instructor at a local gym. Got myself a good clientele, made enough money for child care, and made enough money to get my own place. It might have taken me 5 years, but I did it.
One of my clients became a love interest for me, and things were going well, until it happened again. I was 24 years old, my daughter was 5, and I was pregnant.
Motherhood will make you do things that you never thought possible. I am a Christian, nothing will ever change that, but when it comes to my daughter I will do what I think is right no matter what. I also knew deep in my heart that I was going to do what I knew was best for myself.
I did research on abortion and that research made me realize that medical abortion was the best way to go. It felt lest traumatic to me, it gave me the option at doing at home, it allowed me to do it on my terms, and it felt more natural to me.
I was 24 years old when I had a medical abortion, I was 7.5 weeks. As many who have been through it will know the next few hours were not fun. The cramps began and I passed clots and I felt like I was dying!! After that it was on and off bleeding for about 3 weeks.
It took my mind and body a month to understand that I was no longer pregnant, and when that moment hit my first reaction was "IS THAT IT? WAS THAT AN ABORTION? SERIOUSLY?!" But It was a week after that when the emotion kicked in along with the crying and the WHAT DID I DO moments. To be honest I was on an emotional roller coaster for several weeks, back and forth reactions that never wanted to end.
I was 28 years old was when I had my third pregnancy, also with a client of mine (again). I was working non-stop during this time, working at two different gyms plus working with clients one on one at a local park. My daughter was almost 10 years old, and she was involved in after school sports and I was showing up as much as I could to support her. In other words my time was limited, and I knew if I was going to have an abortion that I would a surgical procedure.
I thought long and hard about this pregnancy. I am 28, my daughter is coming up on 10, I would like to give her a sibling, I would like to (maybe) have another baby, I wasn't a young 18-year girl, and I had my life going for me and I knew I could handle a baby without having any regrets. Maybe I should keep it?
The father of this pregnancy was a single male, no children (this is what he told me anyway) and had a good life for himself. I wanted to tell him about the pregnancy and get his thoughts but I never did do that, I didn't want to feel like I was 18 again and having people tell me what I should do.
I made two lists, pros on abortion in green ink, and cons on abortion in red ink. Half of the con page mostly referred to my daughter, knowing that having an abortion would change her life quit a bit. Most of the pro abortion page referred to me, a good chunk of it was about the 9 months of pregnancy and going through labor and time off from work.
Over the next few days I would add more of my thoughts to both pages, and when it was all finished it came close to a 50/50 split. But on one day I looked the pages over and I decided on crossing out everything that referred to my daughter, because I knew that this was my choice and not my daughters, and when I did that I could see that having an abortion was the right choice for me.
Choosing to end my third pregnancy was challenging, probably more emotional than the first, but I had no doubts that I was doing the right thing. I had a surgical at exactly 9 weeks, and I was awake for the procedure, and it was over before I knew it. I had the same IS THAT IT feeling from my first abortion, but this feeling showed up immediately after the procedure was done. It was emotional, and it had some pain, but it was simple.
I wasn't on that roller coast of emotions for this abortion, and it comes down to me already having an abortion and me having a busier life. I was at a baby shower for a friend of mine a week after and I had no problems looking at her and no problems talking about babies. I knew that day that I was never going to regret the choice I made.
Now that I am done with my story I should tell you that this second abortion was just 6 months ago. I still have no regrets on either of them. My abortions have given me more time with my daughter, and my daughter is becoming a strong young woman herself because of the time and love that I give her. My daughter is my ultimate responsibly, she is the one I gave life too, and I am starting to think that giving this world just one child is good enough.
There is a story on this site of a woman who told her 10 year old about her abortions* and I applaud her for having the courage on doing that! Reading her story made me tell my story and post it on here (not easy btw). I also want the courage on telling my daughter about my abortions as well. Abortion does not have to be an evil word (I say this as a Christian) but the only way our next generation knows this is if we tell them what is right. It all starts with me.
Click here to read the story from the person who talked to her daughter about abortions.