This story was submitted to Project Voice.
I am about to have my third abortion. While I can hardly believe it's happened "AGAIN!", I also now know that I get pregnant very easily. We were using condoms or withdrawal, and whatever way, something went wrong.
My first abortion was at 30, newly divorced and dating a separated married man. I was torn to pieces over the decision.
My second was at 31, still same as above but for once had my mind made up before I even got pregnant. I learned that whenever I have sex with someone regularly, the "what if" scenario needs to be worked out to try to avoid heartache and confusion.
Now "separated man" is "divorced man" and has moved in with me, but I'm just not ready in my life or in my relationship to welcome a new life into this world. I have taken two weeks since my positive test to make this decision. Checklists, workbooks, guided daydreams . . . and finally have come to the conclusion that we are not "there" yet. I would want to give a child a stable loving life, which may or may not be in my future.
My head and my heart have a way to go to synchronize. I'm currently on hold on the phone to make my appointment.
I plan to cry, thank (god? or congress) that I have this difficult and important choice, and complete some kind of simple private personal ritual to say farewell to the other life that is in my body. Part of that process is also telling my mother before the surgery. I kept my other abortions from her because I didn't want to involve anyone else, but now I need her support.
I will be getting an IUD inserted immediately after the abortion. I don't ever want to go through this again.