This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

Abortion*

In 2011, I was 18 years old and with my boyfriend for only 2 months when we found out we were pregnant. This first pregnancy was very different from the rest. I had just moved out of my house and finally claiming my independence. I never saw myself having an abortion.  This boyfriend in particular was rather emotionally/mentally abusive, so when it came time to making a decision, he was very unstable… in the sense that he made it about him. I eventually decided for myself I should have an abortion because, “I didn’t move out for this.” (My home life was very unstable as well with my parents/family.) I was 10 weeks and had to get a surgical procedure. This was a bit traumatizing for me because the doctor (who is now fired due to so many of the same complaints) was making comments like, “you should have kept your legs closed”, while he was sitting in between my legs, using the surgical tool, and I don’t know if it was him, but the force behind him & the tool he was using was rather painful. I was already crying my eyes out due to the emotional pressure at such a young age. Afterwards, I had wondered if every clinic was like this, or, if this was the way every abortion was carried out. I realized through the support I sought out that that was indeed a very different case in terms of having such a rude & disrespectful doctor. I found an article online about the doctor losing his job 3 years later for the trauma he caused on so many people.

Miscarriage*

In late 2013, I experienced a miscarriage. (Same boyfriend) (yes, I was stuck in this abusive relationship)

Birth*

In February of 2014, I became pregnant with the same boyfriend. We were technically broken up at this time, but just like in any toxic relationship, I was stuck in a loop with him. I knew I didn’t want to be with him; he had put me through so much mental abuse, cheated on me, humiliated me in front of so many people & constantly talked down to me. Having his baby felt absurd. I went to a clinic to start the abortion process, but was required to see the ultrasound (every state law is different on this, I believe) & when I saw her, I just knew. I didn’t feel this feeling the first pregnancy. She was just a little gummy bear looking thing but the size of a rice grain when I saw her on the screen, seemingly waving at me from my own womb. She was so active already, moving around in there like she had no limits. The ultrasound tech laughed and said, “look baby is waving at you!” I entered the clinic depressed & when I walked out, I was talking to her, apologizing & promising her a better life despite there being no real proof of stability at the moment. I was even living out of my car, technically, when I found out. I went to get prenatal vitamins immediately after & vaginally delivered the daughter of my dreams November of 2014.

Abortion*

In January of 2017, I was back & forth with my daughter’s father. I wanted a normal family, I wanted us all to have the last name or whatever, but I also truly just wanted to be respected & loved for me. I couldn’t have both when it came to him. I was very depressed & very broke. He wasn’t on child support due to his threats against me if I filed. We hooked up in the backseat of his car one night after I tried to have a heart to heart with him & he took complete advantage of the situation, (he didn’t ask me if he could do this; he didn’t pull out) I became pregnant after this one encounter with him, but this time, didn’t tell him. A friend helped me get an abortion almost as soon as I found out. I was 6 weeks. This would be the last time I tried with him.

Abortion*

Late December of 2017, I was finally moved away from the city my abuser was in, and managed to get my own little place in a small town. I got pregnant by my best friend. He was with me through all of it. We decided to take it further & he moved from the city to be with me. We actually had a pretty decent situation, I finally had my own place. Unfortunately, he had growing trust issues with me due to my daughter’s father, and him wanting to move back to the city. (Not everybody is cut out for the country.) I simply loved him, but he questioned me every single day and would pack his bags after every fight. We were good for the first few months, then once we got settled in, he was so insecure. He’d start an argument, I’d give him the same answer, he’d disappear outside for an hour, then his mom would call me telling me we needed to break up because she, “hated seeing her son like this”. He was always going through my phone & would get mad about things from years prior when we weren’t even an item yet. I didn’t realize this was toxic because we had so much history. I fought for it so hard because I finally had stability & just wanted a simple life. When I look back on it, I feel like we should have never become more than just best friends, and the more simple option back then would have just to let him go when he wanted to. When I became pregnant with him, I was burnt out & was starting to feel actual chest pains from how much stress the relationship was causing me. He was so flighty and was becoming unfaithful in the process, confiding in his ex & other girls about his insecurities. By this point, I was done and asked him to leave, but he wallowed for 3 extra months in my house. My friend helped me with the payment, & I aborted at 6 weeks. My sister knew about this one & helped me get to & from a clinic since the nearest one, with the closest available appointment to the town I was living in was 4 hours away. It was all in between the holidays. January 1, 2018 was a different kind of new year for me as the bleeding started on this day. It would be 3 months after this that he would finally move out, after I called his parents to pick him up from my house.

Abortion*

In December of 2018, I got pregnant with my current boyfriend. A few months prior, in August, my little place I was becoming stable in with just me & my daughter, had been invaded. We were robbed & my camera equipment was stolen, taking away most of my livelihood. I met my boyfriend a couple weeks after that event & it felt like love at first sight. We were only dating a few months & we were long distance. I was staying at my parents house now, having moved out after the home invasion. We barely knew each other. It was my first relationship where we weren’t friends first. He came to visit over the holidays, that being our only second time hanging out & I became pregnant. We both immediately knew we couldn’t be pregnant. He traveled a lot & is very passionate about it, — I was the most depressed I had ever been, despite being in a new relationship. We aborted as soon as we could at 6 weeks, almost barely; the medical assistant told me it may be too early to take the abortion pill. It was successful. I had a very dark couple months after that though, the home-invasion still affected me deeply for a long time. I hated the distance between us. I had also felt low for it having been my FOURTH abortion. I don’t know anyone who has had an abortion, it’s not something I talk to people about. I kept all of these experiences to myself until now.

Abortion*

It is now October of 2019, and I am aborting at 9 weeks with my current boyfriend. I moved in with his family for the chance of opportunities in a big city, with hopes of making money at a higher minimum wage, so I could get a new camera, back in May of this year. (Same bf as last abortion) When we first found out we were pregnant this time, we were actually both excited… Making this the worst abortion yet. I hate knowing we waited this long. Due to my hormones, discomfort and insecurities, we started to fight a lot. I was throwing up constantly and having to tip-toe in his parents house; turning the shower on to mask the sounds of vomiting. It’s already uncomfortable to have to throw up constantly, sometimes 4-5x a day, it’s even more unbearable to have to hide it. I wanted to give my daughter a sibling. But after just 1-2 weeks of me being pregnant, he opted for aborting it. We have little money and his parents were letting us stay there for free so we could save money. Him wanting to abort after being so excited at first didn’t sit well with me & I fell into survival mode. I felt as if he were being sketchy about a girl he started working with & when I confronted him about it, he said he didn’t want to have a baby with someone who was ready to leave him. I needed to have a backbone for my daughter. In my spirit, I wanted to tell him we’d be okay, I wanted to trust that he was not my exes, but because I am who I am, I felt HE should be the one to tell ME that… I felt exhausted having to fight for my life all these years & I needed true support.

I am a pretty spiritual person, I personally do believe in God, so this whole time, I am praying for forgiveness & for strength to be my own person. I hated that I was excited at first & now had to make this decision. I started to resent my bf a little bit because of this & felt repulsed by his indecisiveness. I committed to aborting it, though feeling 50/50 about it, I knew I needed to come to a decision because he couldn’t & that my independence was fleeting from all the compromising and trust I was putting into him. It’d be easier to just not be pregnant. It’s been 6 months of me living here in this city, and I have not been able to find a job so I have recently decided to go back home, where at least I can afford to work & live with my almost 5 year old, and regroup myself, to reclaim my power yet again, but in a way that would let me know I have control of my life. I am 26 years old and I know what I’m capable of. I feel it is time to focus on my career.

I asked myself if I could do this by myself, have the child regardless if my boyfriend moved with me or not, but I added in everything else (his family, how they’d react, my current heart/lung condition due to stress / my exes & always holding my breath, my financial state, knowing I needed to go back to school, my baby-daddy drama….) The solid difference between this abortion & the rest, is that I asked for birth control after I took the medicine. Also, this abortion was completely covered by an emergency insurance provided in this state, saving me nearly $575, which made me feel a little bit more as ease, the financial part of this experience from the state covering it, made me feel supported & like I wasn’t doing something wrong to myself. This time was tough, but I learned a lot. While although some people can walk away from an abortion without looking back, this one specifically is taking some time to forgive myself for knowing how excited I was when I found out. I even told my sister as soon as I took the pregnancy test. I didn’t want to lie to her, so it was another challenge having to tell her all of this. I’m very grateful my sister is as understanding & empowering as she is, her telling me it’s not her body, or her choice.

Reading forums like this online & writing out my own story has helped me DEEPLY with my emotions and self-inflicted guilt toward the decisions I made. Thank you for the opportunity to share & thank you for listening.

~ M.