This story, and the reader’s response that follows, was shared on Reddit. r/abortion.
I found out I was pregnant with my IUD correctly in place. When the doctor did a uterine biopsy to ensure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, the fetus did not dislodge as it should have, and stayed firmly in place after the doctor removed my IUD a week later. I was devastated. I did not want this pregnancy but in addition I felt such guilt for having put the fetus through so much useless stress.
I had a copper IUD put in place after my first abortion a year ago. I had promised myself I would never put myself in the situation of having to terminate for non-medical reasons again, but here I was, again, despite having done everything I was supposed to do to prevent it (short of not having sex).
The persistence of the pregnancy at hanging on despite all my efforts was also strangely endearing. It’s dangerously easy to assign personality traits to what is essentially at that point a small lump of rapidly dividing cells. I had to wait until my 8th week for my surgical abortion due to clinic scheduling and it was a difficult wait for me. I am almost ready for children, but not quite, and not like this. I cried until my appointment and hated my partner who did not share any of my ambivalence, or at least put on a convincing mask to not affect my resolve.
The abortion went well and for two days following the intervention I felt liberated and happy again but the crying resumed afterwards. Now, a bit over a week later, I'm finally feeling more like myself. I'm still sad, but a large part of my profound distress/anxiety was likely a bodily response to pregnancy hormones. If you're going through that, I'm sorry, it's terrible but will most likely quickly improve.
I don't think I'll ever fully get over these terminations but I think that's ok. I do not feel guilt or regret, just a yearning for what could have been. Fetuses already produce microchimera in the first trimester, so it is literally something I will likely be carrying for the rest of my life, we are the sum of our experiences. I find peace in knowing that when I finally decide to have children I will do so with the capacity to give them my very best.
I dearly hope that this will never be a decision I'll have to make again. As hormonal BC are still not an option for me, I had another copper IUD reinserted but will also be taking extra precautions during my fertile period. The doctors did not seem worried the IUD might fail me again but I obviously do not want to take that risk.
I'm sorry my post doesn't contain more useful information. Reading here has definitely made me feel less alone these past weeks and I wanted to share my own experience. I wish everyone much love, support and care through these possibly difficult times (Or not! Maybe it was an easy process for you, which is great!)
RESPONSE FROM A REDDIT READER:
Oh my God, while I am so sorry that you are going through this, I have to say that I am so glad to have stumbled across your post. I have essentially exactly the same story as you.
I had an abortion, and promised myself I would do all I could to not let that happen again. Two months ago, my copper IUD failed for unknown reasons. I, too, got checked for an ectopic pregnancy, in which it wasn’t. I got my IUD removed, hoping it would cause a miscarriage. It didn’t.
I know what you mean about attributing traits to the embryo. I kept on thinking about how I want my children to be tough, to never take no for an answer, and to be resilient. I kept thinking about how this little embryo would surely grow up to be all of those ways (which is obviously not necessarily the case even remotely).
I had my abortion a month ago at 8 weeks. I also got another copper IUD, even though I feel I have lost trust in them. But there’s not much else that I can do, because hormonal birth control also doesn’t agree with me. I, too, am being extra careful around fertile times. I just wanted to let you know that even though this is so rare to happen, I understand. And it sucks. It gets better, but it sucks.