"We were not in the position to have a child, living in motels and eating Burger King everyday."

This story is published at My Abortion, My Life.

The tale of 2 stories. I’m 24 now. I was 19 with my first abortion. We were not in the position to have a child, living in motels and eating Burger King everyday. That’s not fit for any family, especially mine. I'd give long stares to the parents who did that in the cold winter months, when it’s 5 below or near.

So I had my mom take me. She was cool about it which made me feel extremely comfortable. When I got there I filled out the consent forms. From there it was mostly a waiting game. I waited for about five hours. My mom came and went, then returned then left again.

I was 9 weeks along. At the time of the procedure I was there alone, but that was fine. I didn’t want her to be there in the room with me. The place was nice. It had a beautiful waiting room, dim lit, candles, magazines, movies were playing, carpeted, coffee, tea. They went the nine yards to make it comfy.

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Anyway, I get called I go inside a dark lit room with a table and a machine and a rolling chair. There was the doctor and the nurse. The nurse took my hand and told me this and I'll never forget exactly: " I'm right here for you. Hold my hand and squeeze as tight as you need to if you feel anything." Then we had a conversation about school and by the time we started we were finished. We didn’t get to talk at all. I got up and put my shorts on and she sent me to another well-lit room with a little tea and chocolate. I stayed there for about 30 minutes and called my boyfriend. He came and we went back to life.

My second abortion was more difficult because we've been together much longer. Five years longer. We've gotten it together, moved into a beautiful home and bought 2 cars. Well, you'd think 'hell, now is the time right?' NO. I’m not ready once again.

Now it's not about getting settled — it’s financially and timing. I did the math with the bills we have now. And the current jobs we have are not healthy. I travel every week to 2 weeks, where as he travels and stays in the city he’s sent to the entire time, for 2 weeks to 1 month at a time. So the only way we can see each other is on our off weeks, which is hopefully every 2 to 3 weeks, and we spend about 2 weeks together at a time. Complicated, right? Plus with me flying every other week, it isn't healthy for my pregnancy. I've already had a miscarriage this way flying to HI for business.

So I found out when I went to the hospital to confirm, because of course I peed on a stick and it was positive. They told me I was 5 weeks and 6 days. I was torn — so happy on the outside because I was pregnant again but angry inside because I don’t want it KINDA, and now I have to cough up $500 for another abortion POSSIBLY.

I wait 10 days to see how I feel about it. By this time I WANTED to keep my baby. I named them Adrian and we talked to each other. We had an understanding between us, but they were fussy. Three more weeks pass. I had to fly to another job that lasted 2 weeks and I waited 1 more week once I got home so I could make love to my boyfriend unprotected once more.

But the time had to near where we had to make a decision about our careers and life. Should I give up my good paying job for 1 year or so, or should I keep Adrian and just let my boyfriend work double? Both decisions were selfish to either person, but I chose to go get the abortion.

At first, I was like WTF am I doing, he’s my little angel. Then I just went for it. I did it. It was fast again but the pain physically from this one is unbearable sometimes. The first one I didn’t bleed or clot so much, maybe 3 days afterwards. But Adrian! I told him he would be my little angel that follows me everywhere and watches me.

I've had a few cramps but I'll be fine. Rest and water. But overall I don’t regret either because when I do bring my baby into the world I'll be in a great position to raise them. I’m proud of myself actually.

—Ashining Star

Podcast ~ "I was already at my breaking point with my three children."

"These decisions were not made lightly, but they were made conclusively."