This story is published at My Abortion, My Life.
I'd like to share my story in hopes that it will help another mother who has lost her baby. In a nutshell, I got pregnant a few months ago with a man I had been on and off with for a year. In the beginning, I had told him that I wanted to get pregnant. At first, he didn't respond well. Eventually, we began trying. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards the end of our relationship and I had left for good, or so I thought.
I had my period cramps around the usual time but after so many days with just cramps and no bleeding I began to think that the unthinkable was happening. I was terrified to take a test. I put it off for days. I have a 5 year old son who I did open adoption with because he would've been raised in a bad situation and the thought of me being in another bad situation just left me with an unsettling feeling. I took a pregnancy test and sure enough.
I was scared. My initial reaction wasn't excitement, it was fear. Fear because of my lack of education and financial stability. Fear because I knew the father of my child wouldn't be a good father and was a drug addict who chose to drink more often than not.
I instantly felt a love for my child because I've only wanted a child since my son. I couldn't actually embrace the happiness that comes along with pregnancy because I knew my reality. I knew that I couldn't give this child the life it would deserve and I have always promised myself that I will give my child the world when I have one.
I instantly knew my options. I tried to mend my relationship with my ex and moved back up North to try to fix our family. Things didn't change with him. If anything, everything got worse. He was constantly drinking and smoking pot. I got depressed because of his behavior and knowing he wouldn't be a good father. I had contemplated abortion since I found out I was pregnant. This time I was certain.
I scheduled my official abortion appointment. At 12 weeks, I had to have a surgical abortion. Many say it isn't painful but after speaking to different women, I have found that varies. I don't tolerate pain well. The abortion itself is far more painful than period cramps and a notch under labor cramps. The only plus side was that it was extremely quick. I was fully awake, no sedation.
When I walked into the room and uncovered myself for the procedure, I broke down. I asked God to forgive me for my sin. I didn't want to abort my baby but I knew I had to. That was my second abortion within a few years. I wouldn't wish a surgical or medical abortion to my worst enemy.
It has been a couple of days since the procedure. I've been emotionally distraught, unattached to life. Overall, I'm sad. I would love to be a mom but to the right man and in a situation where I know my child will live a happy life. Because of that reasoning, I feel I made the right choice even though it is emotionally and physically painful.
I have never regretted my first abortion either. I need to get myself to a point where I can be a wonderful parent. I'm not there yet.
To any of the women out there thinking about abortion, only you know if the choice is right for you. Pray about it. Ultimately, you will know.