"I feel differently this time around."

This is an abridged, anonymous Reddit post followed by one reply.

I found out I was pregnant on Sunday, a few days after my 29th birthday. I had been broken up with the male who fathered the child for almost two weeks.

We had a fairly toxic relationship and I feel he is manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive, and a pathological liar. I had been planning to break up with him for quite some time, months actually, before I finally did.

The sex that likely led to the conception of the blastocyst inside my uterus right now was fairly low-risk for pregnancy. It lasted only a couple minutes and he never ejaculated. I am unable to use most forms of birth control due to breast cancer running rampant on both sides.

I struggle with MDD, GAD, and possible Bipolar 2, and most low/no estrogen birth control methods I have tried have had horrible side effects for me, and I’m pretty much out of options, aside from condoms, of course.

The last time I saw him before we broke up is the most likely date of conception. We had been talking a little, but I wasn’t planning on seeing him ever again and was pretty apathetic about him/the entire situation.

I called him on Sunday after taking my first at-home pregnancy test, and his immediate reaction was to tell me it isn’t his, as he has not seen me in 17-18 days. He had ALWAYS accused me of cheating — I never did, but of course he did.

Sunday night, I took two more tests and all were positive. He continued to deny paternity, accuse me of cheating, told me it was a mistake and I needed to “kill it,” etc. I initially scheduled my appointment at Planned Parenthood for early next week.

The next day, he explained he would not be helping me pay for the abortion, so I had to reschedule my appointment for the day I get paid and deal with being pregnant an additional week and a half.

I explained how much I need his support, both financially and emotionally, and he was extremely insensitive and dismissive. I called one of my best friends and she agreed to accompany me to my appointment, help me when I need to fill my prescriptions after the appointment, and stay with me at home when I take the misoprostol.

I have had a medical abortion previously. I was 24 and in graduate school. It was not possible for me to finish grad school if I had the baby due to my unpaid internship.

That boyfriend was also an immature jerk, and was later physically abusive. He paid for half the abortion and drove me home and stayed with me in my apartment and made sure I had food, my meds, and was safe and comfortable.

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I have zero regrets about the abortion when I was 24 and am fully confident I made the right decision. I am extremely grateful that I live somewhere where I have extremely easy access to safe, affordable, and legal abortion. I have always been very open about my abortion experience and feel absolutely no shame, guilt, or grief.

I feel differently this time around because I’m 29 and wonder how I would feel if I never got the chance to have a baby — when I am financially secure, have my clinical therapist license, and a healthy relationship and stable partner.

Furthermore, having a second unplanned pregnancy and second abortion does bring up some uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. The decision to have an abortion is almost never an easy one, but I never imagined being in this situation again. I also never imagined feeling any differently than I felt about my first abortion, but I fear that if I am completely honest with myself, I do feel differently.

This is cathartic and I sincerely appreciate if you take time to read it.

A reply:

I'm an ob/gyn and do abortions. You are nowhere close to the record. The number of abortions somebody has had says nothing to me about their value as a person.

"I wish there was a way out of this situation."

"My fetus had died, but my body didn't get the message."