This story is published at Project Voice.
I was 19 when I had my first abortion. My husband and I were just living together (as boyfriend and girlfriend back then) and going to college. I knew right away that there was no way I was gonna keep this baby.
I felt so much guilt for going through with the abortion since it probably wouldn't have been necessary if I had only taken my birth control pills. It took me a long time to deal with the issues I had to deal with.
My husband (boyfriend then) was so adamant about keeping the baby. I thought we were way too young. It just didn't feel right.
My family was really supportive. His family couldn't fathom the idea of why I would even consider an abortion. Yes, ALL of his family knew (including cousins) and I felt so much more violated since I thought that this was my body, my emotions, my business.
Although we had a couple of rocky years as a result of the abortion, our love and commitment to one another was strong enough to keep us together. Four years after my abortion, I became pregnant again and was ecstatic. I was happy and on top of the world. I was ready for this. In the next few years, we would get married and have two more children. We believed that our family was complete.
One year ago today, I had my second abortion. It wasn't until these past few months that I have been able to have the time to reflect on our decision as well as trying to deal with all of these fresh emotions.
My husband wasn't too happy that I was pregnant again and neither was I. This time around he was so much more supportive. The stress from his job was really getting to him and our relationship, not to mention the added stress of our already existing three children.
Don't get me wrong, we have a happy home, but with his line of work, I really felt that I wasn't getting too much out of him as a husband and father. I really believed that if we had this child, it could break us. I also felt that our current three children would suffer in terms of attention and financially.
Now my heart speaks. I sit here and feel that I am the worst mom. I mean ok, the first abortion was understandable. So how could I go on to have three more children to only decided that my last pregnancy should be aborted? I definitely know that I don't want to get pregnant again, but deep down inside of me I have this gut wrenching feeling. I sit here and wonder, what if? I know that if I became pregnant again that I would keep it no matter what, but if I did that, wouldn't my last abortion be in vain? What was it all for? I wish the pain didn't take so long to dull.