"I know that I am not prepared to be someone's mother."

This story is published at Pregnancy Options Directory.

Within this year alone I've had 2 abortions. It's not something that I am proud of, but it happened and I know that I am not prepared to be someone's mother.

The first abortion I had was surgically done. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I had only recently started talking to my boyfriend. I was fresh out of school and had only just started workinI went to the doctor and he recommended the surgical abortion. The procedure can be done with or without anesthesia but because I had gone alone I had to have it without.

I saw the ultrasound and where it was located. The nurse kept telling me to breathe. At first I was like shit, this doesn't seem like a good sign. Then I started to feel something like a vacuum cleaner just pulling the fetus out of me.

When it was over I started spotting. Later in the evening, I started feeling sharp pains in the area where the fetus was. It was almost as if my body realized it was missing something. I bled for maybe 2-3 weeks after on and off and after everything was fine.

Fast forward, I recently found out I was 7 weeks pregnant and even though I was a little terrified, I don't know, I felt a greater connection to this baby so I decided to keep it.

I told my boyfriend and he was excited to have a child. We had discussed marriage and living together for quite some time.

Because we lived in different towns I decided to surprise him and show up so that we could visit the doctor together for the ultrasound. When I arrived, however, I found out that he was married. I was so devastated and felt completely betrayed. He explained that they were getting a divorce and he did not know how to tell me. All I could think was that I had been lied to for the last couple of months.

I now had to deal with the realization that I was pregnant for a married man. I knew that I didn't want to be with him, which made me also question the quality of life the child would have. 

I wasn't prepared to do another abortion and I felt completely embarrassed to return home and having to make that decision again, especially since there is only one doctor who performs the procedure in my town.

I went to visit an Indian doctor in his hometown, but he only did medical abortions.

He gave me 3 pills to take orally which would stop the pregnancy. About an hour after taking them, I no longer felt her presence. And even though it was ultimately my decision to make, I couldn't help crying. I must have cried uncontrollably for an hour and I kept apologizing to the poor fetus.

The next day I returned to the doctor and he inserted 2 pills vaginally to open my cervix so that I could pass out the pregnancy. He gave me painkillers and said I could take them within the hour. I took one but the pain was severe. So I tried to take 2, however, I started to vomit uncontrollably, then when that was over I had diarrhea.

While still having immense cramps I heard clots drop in the toilet but I'm not sure if it was the fetus. It's been 3 days since the abortion and I still feel like if I have a lot inside of me that hasn't passed yet. But it could also be my body reacting to abortion. I have to fully wait until my follow up check to be sure. But the medical abortion for me was the worse choice I ever made.

~Unsigned

"I had my best friend, boyfriend, mother, and sister all with me."

"I deeply resent the horrible, misogynist and hateful rhetoric I hear."